Saturday, October 16, 2010

Getting Closer

"She is so weird." I heard a dear friend say about me in college. At the time, it broke my heart. I was crushed. Back then, I didn't realize we are all weird. Only as I have grown up do I realize that we are all weird in some way or another. My friend T says we all have our "thing." For some it may be a lifelong fight with body image, a medical condition, family relations or a strong dislike of veggies. We all have our thing. She is so right.

Tonight I was reading "The Mixed-Up Chamelon" by Eric Carle chosen by Kyle. And Ryan picked out "A Bad Case of Stripes" by David Shannon. Both books deal with self-image and being true to yourself. For those of you without children, imagine "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls in child book format. I thought it was strange that both children picked out books with the same message and on the same night. Then I started to get paranoid and wondered what message the universe was sending me tonight.
I am 38 and I am still working on being closer to fine. It is a constant struggle to ignore the self doubt, the negative messages that I say to myself and be who I am. Doesn't it sometimes seem like the rest of the world doesn't feel the same way? Does Heidi Klum wake up and feel ugly sometimes? Does Hillary Clinton ever forget the essential grocery item to complete a recipe? Does Oprah ever feel unfulfilled in her life? I am sure all have our insecurities and struggle. It just doesn't feel that way sometimes.

So you know, tonight, I am throwing my "things" out into the universe. I struggle with the following in no particular order: old acne scars, a tummy that is never flat enough, I don't eat healthy enough, I should go to church more, I am bad about calling friends, I spend too much time on the internet, my junk drawers in my kitchen are a mess, my kids toys are a real mess, their rooms are too, my room is a mess too right now, I can't get clothes put away after I wash my laundry, I miss some old friends, I wish I had more money, I sometimes want to work, I like when the kids get on the bus and I am home with just the baby, I drink too much tea, I eat too much sugar, I wish I could go to Las Vegas every other month, I love dancing at clubs, I drink too much when out dancing, I laugh too loud, I watch too much TV, I love crappy Real Housewives crummy TV, I don't like books that Oprah recommends, I listen to almost everything Oprah says, I am critical of people, I wonder about God and the starving people in the world, I wish I was a better person that volunteered with the poor, I color my hair too often, I can't stand clutter, I have a tooth that needs bleached and it drives me crazy, I dress like an old lady sometimes...

See how crazy this all is? It is the negative self-talk that I could come up with in only three minutes. Nuts. It is and I know we all do it. So, yes, I am weird dear friends. We all are. And I am OK with it. I am getting there. Slowly. And that is OK with me.


Leave a Trail... said...

You know what? Not too much that you said in there doesn't reflect my thoughts, except I let them go. I am a RHW junkie, even Jersey Shore! LOL. Sometimes, you need to say, "Eff it. These years, these children, and this life has made me who I am today. And find a way to accept it!"

amyjr said...

can i just say...
I am in the same boat as you are. But as Leave a Trail said.."Eff it"
Oprah has off days and I listen/watch her all the time too and I have heard her say it. So us mortals can be just overwhelmed and sit down and watch our junk tv or read the chicklit books and take a breather from the life the media deems as perfect.
I have realized that we are all "works in progress" in coming to terms of who we are.

Anonymous said...

Love this post...what an important reminder for all of us...still trying to get "Closer to Fine" myself! :) Aldee

AreWeThereYet? said...

You heard me....everyone does have their "thing." Serious "things." Character flaws. Lifetime challenges. Crisis thrown at them innocently. Frankly we should be blessed if we have personally identified our "thing" and can now work to live around it in a healthy way.

The message is not to let yourself covet someone else's life. They may have more money, but a lonely marriage. They may have good looks, but a tragic childhood. Perhaps more talents than you, but poor health. Whatever the scene --honestly, you would just be trading in one set of problems for another. And if you already know what hand you have been dealt, than I say go with it sistah!

You are ahead of the game....

I also have 1 tooth that needs to be bleached more than the others. And I struggle several times a day with the mother-of-all-muffin-tops. And I can't even begin to get into my bad habit of over scheduling....but I digress

Anonymous said...

This is not an attack on you, just everyone really. And if you and I were brutally honest we would say 'get over yourself'. Us spoilt, over privileged, self delusional people. There is so much more important things to worry about.

But pain is pain, sometimes we just need to put it in perspective.

I'm Not Talking About It, I'm Just Saying...