I can't remember what I bought my mom for Mother's Day last year. I have been wracking my brain all week and I just cannot remember. I do remember that I never liked buying Mother's Day cards. Every year I dreaded it. My mom wasn't a cookie cutter mom. None of the cards really matched our relationship and they all felt fake. I would just pick out the best choice and make myself give it to her.
Yesterday I was in Walmart and I could barely walk by the card aisle. There were so many people almost on top of one another looking for that perfect card for their mom. I wish I was one of them. So many thoughts came rushing at me. How much I missed calling home and hearing her voice. She was so excited about the new baby. And how many times I have almost called home to ask her a cooking question and realized that she was gone. It just doesn't seem fair that someone only 59 passed away. I know I was there for the whole event but it is very hard for it to sink in. I just doesn't seem possible that she is really gone. It just cannot be true.
So I continued to avoid the Mother's Day card aisle and concentrated on my task at hand. I kept thinking that I know that I could pick out a card a little easier this year. As I became more of a mom, picking out my card got a little easier each year. I understood more. I forgave. I know she did her best. I can't imagine being so sick her entire life, trying to work and take care of three girls.
At the beginning of the week, I didn't think that Mother's Day was bothering me. I am a mom and I thought that I just needed to think of it as my day. For my whole life, it has been about my mom on Mother's Day. I just needed a paradigm shift and it all would be OK. But, in Kohl's yesterday as I was looking for something decent to wear for our Mother's Day brunch, their announcement about Mother's Day threw me into a fit. Tears came to my eyes and all of the sadness came right back to me. I could barely get out of there fast enough. Who knew? I never imagined how grief would come and go so quickly and when you didn't expect it.
So this year, I bought my mom (really for my Dad) a stone for her garden that I know she would have loved. I bought myself one too. I will always remember what I got her this year. And while I will skip the card, I know that she will be very close to my heart this week and especially on Sunday. As a mother, it can be so hard to share your Mother's Day with your mom and your mother-in-law. I know I have griped about it before. But I would give anything to have to share it one more year. And to have to buy her one more card.