Thursday, February 26, 2009
So what do I get for writing a post about having nerves of steel? I get 7 more days of waiting! That's right. The doctor called. The lab accidentally put my bodily fluids in the "10 day test" not the two day, (called FSH), test. So, I am going to have to wait another week. We'll know the results next Thursday.
For having nerves of steel, I can tell you that I could barely answer my phone. When I saw the number, I knew the doctor would tell me my results. Boy was I surprised! I was nice but on the inside I was screaming "How can this lab be trusted if they screwed this up?" But, I bit my tongue and said that I would talk to him next week.
So now we wait some more. Luckily, with this economy and my husband's job, we have a lot of other distractions. More tests to my nerves of steel.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A few years ago, I wrote to Oprah about my BIL and SIL. We had a producer come to my house and we were on the show. Anyway, when the producer and I talked, she couldn't believe I was so calm. She said "We are talking Oprah. The Oprah Winfrey Show. Most people get a little nervous and are a wreck. You are so calm." Yep. (What she didn't know is that I did lose 5 real pounds that week to being excited and probably more nervous than I showed.)
Today, I am grateful for my nerves of steel. Instead of the 10 day wait for the amnio, I only have wait a whole day thanks to a new faster test. Sometime tomorrow, I should get the call. I have read a lot online and everyone talks about how waiting was the worst part.
Because I know my choice and the test is finished, I am feeling a weird sort of calm. Peace. I try not to go down scary paths of thinking and I am not "thinking positive" as everyone would probably suggest. I just know that what will be will be. And I am OK with that. The answer is already here in my body. I am just waiting to be told. So, I will wait. I will be at peace. And soon, I will know. And as soon as I know, I will let you know if my trip includes Holland or Italy. Peace.
Monday, February 23, 2009
"Indy, I got your test results back. The results indicate that you have a one in five chance of your baby having Down's Syndrome. I need you to schedule an amnio immediately."
Gulp. Breathe. Try to talk. "One in five?" "Yes. One in five."
Time stopped. I could barely breathe. I couldn't get off of the phone fast enough.
I had the standard old lady tests for my pregnancy, the quad screen. Being an optimist, I didn't think again about them. But today, I was stopped in my tracks.
At first, I cried and tried to not pass out. I just kept repeating "One in five" over and over again. Tears fell as I walked around looking for my husband's phone number. Too in shock to remember it. Husband was in a meeting. Tears continued to fall. I tried to remember to breathe and called my sister. Luckily she calmed me down and I could talk without crying.
My husband finally called me back and he could tell right away that something wasn't right. He agreed that we were going to have an amnio to know for sure. I need to know what I am dealing with and I need support. We have to know. I cannot wait another 21 weeks to find out the answer.
Last week I had a little discussion with my favorite aunt. She is very conservative and pro-life. I am very liberal and support abortion rights. We even talked about what I would do if my doctor ever said there was a problem with my blood test. I told her last week that while I support a woman's right to choose, I could never choose that for myself. Today, I know that it is true in my heart. I know it like I never thought I would know it. Abortion will never be an option for me.
So all day, I wasn't sure whether to share or not. When I write about the Snuggie or sex-ed books, I am showered with advice and suggestions. I am not in the mood for either this time. As my title states, I am just saying. I am not up for one on one discussions about it. I don't want to hear about your experience with these tests and false positives. We all have friends that have gone through this. None of the stories will change the feelings I am going through. So please, try to keep them to yourself or call a friend. But, please do not call or leave me suggestions about it. I hope you understand. I do. My hope is that someone will read this some day when they are going through this and it will help them through the process.
Tomorrow at 3:30 is my amnio. The results take about 10 days. I will keep you posted. I have read a lot about Down's. I know that if I have a baby with Down's that I will be blessed with the love of a very special child. I know it will be hard as hell. I know I don't want to do it but I would. I found this little story that I just loved. I read it years ago and it was comforting to read it again today.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.
You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
As I have written before, I had a hard time dealing with my regular life after my mom passed away. Add to this that I am pregnant and can barely stay awake, I decided that some things had to be cut out of my life for awhile. When I attend these meetings, additional work is assigned. So, in order to keep myself on the sane side, I decided the best choice for everyone is for me to miss the meeting.
As moms, it is so hard to decide when you've had enough. Isn't it? And then when you make that choice, you have to defend it. You have to say no and then remember not to back down.
My husband asked me tonight if I was going to be volunteering on any boards for the next year. He was surprised by my answer. I know with all my heart that I am done. I am taking a break. For the past five years, I have been a volunteer. I have spent so many hours working for organizations that I love. I was super active for the first three years. As time has passed, I have slowly faded away. I love the organizations but I love me and my sanity. I know I have nothing left to give. With a new baby on the way, a husband heading back to a law firm and a crazy year behind me, I know that I need some time to catch my breath.
I will be back someday. Somewhere. But for the next academic year, I will be in the background at the school. I probably will not attend many meetings for my organizations. I will catch my breath. I will get myself together. Organizations will be stronger for it. My family will be stronger for it. I know I will emerge stronger for it. Now, all I have to do is remember that I have written this post and know that I have made myself this promise. That's the hard part.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
When my mom passed away and I sat in Alliance all alone in my family's living room, reading the comments on Facebook helped me feel connected to all of my friends.
I had a co-worker from my last job reconnect with me on FB. She wondered if a part-time position became available at her current company, would I be interested. Interested? I nearly fell over with excitement that someone would want to pay me to do ANYTHING, let alone something I went to grad school for! Yes, I am interested. Someday.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Red= True confessions
Blue=Inner voice arguing with true confessions
I should be exercising and watching what I eat.
Nah, you'll be as big as a house in the end anyway. It doesn't matter.
Wow. I am getting pretty big.
You got big before and then lost even more weight than when you started. You'll do it again.
I hate that I get so wide. I wish I was a cute pregnant person.
That's how you are. You can't change that.
I hate to even weigh in at the doctor's office. I am afraid she will yell.
She has never yelled in the past. You'll be fine.
I have had three pregnancies before. Why do I care so much this time?
You haven't been this pregnant in a long time. You were too tired to care the last time.
It is so hard to let go of control of my body.
You are creating a baby. It is amazing. Let go.
This is me at about 38 weeks during my last full-term pregnancy in March of 2004