Good People.

When you know better, you do better. -Maya Angelou


When we had Ryan six years ago, I remember being blown away by all of the presents when he was born. People sent flowers, stuffed animals and outfits. Really? We are supposed to do this when people have babies? I had no idea. I just usually sent a card, if they were lucky.

So when my Mom passed away last month, I again was blown away by people. Really? That's what people do? Really? Wow. People are so good. We kept saying it again and again. People are so good.

When Mom first died and we sat in shock that first day, we were lucky enough to be interrupted by the door bell ringing. At the front door were flowers. To get them at my parents house right away made us smile, cry and feel a little better. The door bell continued to ring for the next few days. Next came the visitors. We are Presbyterian not Jewish sitting Shiva and I was surprised by people that came by to express their condolences. Some were not even close friends. And because all we wanted to do was sit, cry, eat and talk, it was wonderful to have people around. Next came the food. Boy did we have food! People brought by casseroles, meat trays and soup. Even though we had trouble eating, it was good to have food there to offer people and make ourselves eat a sandwich now and then. Our favorite thing that a friend of my sister brought us was the largest container of Starbucks I have ever seen and delicious cookies. Perfection! She brought it over and sat with us for the night.

Another thing that surprised us was that someone people sent a card (immediately) and also attended the calling hours or funeral. Some even sent flowers in addition to the card and coming to the calling hours. I didn't realize people sometimes do all three. Good people.

When my Dad's pastor met with us, he said that some people may be uncomfortable at the calling hours. His advice was to just let their presence be enough. It was so true. Words are so unimportant at calling hours. By simply being there, comfort was given and condolences were felt. Don't struggle with the right words to say. A hug and your presence is enough. It really is.

Something I also didn't realize is that you appreciate the cards that come late. You know the one that you never get around to sending and is on your "to do list." As the world goes on, you are still grieving. To receive a late card or flowers helps so much. You are not alone in your grief.

However you express you sympathy the important thing is to acknowledge the person and their family. There is no right way or wrong way. We all have different styles. But one thing that we learned is that every card, dinner, flower and presence means so much. Each one. Without them, it would be nearly impossible to get through the grief.

So next time you think it may be too late to send a card to someone remember that grief doesn't end when the casket is closed and the family leaves the cemetery. For many, it is just beginning. Send the card and tell them you care. They will truly appreciate that you took the time and that they matter. We are so lucky to be in the company of good people.

Cement Boots

I have received a little flak because I haven't written much lately. I know it is all in good fun. But I'd like to explain what is going on. You should see all of the other stuff I am not getting to in my real life. I have tried to write some lighter posts but I just can't get into them let alone publish them.

I've tried to stay away from anything too sad and depressing here. I want people to want to stop by and feel better when they leave my blog. I don't want you to hate coming because you know it will be such a downer that you can't stand to come anymore. But, if you know anything about Indy, you will say that I am an honest person and writer. What you see on my blog is what you get. Unless it will interfere with someone's life (or my husband will throw a fit), I will be honest as I can be about it.

So I haven't written in the past few weeks because I can't make myself do much of anything. And I am OK with that. I know it is normal and I am going through the grieving process. I am just taking each day and doing what needs to be done. Whether that's new boots for Ryan for school, clean underwear for me or food for the dog, I am just doing what I have to do. I try not to worry about everything else on my list and just take care of what I have to do. What I can do.

I cry. I cry a lot. It's normal and that's what I am going to do. I cry alone. My husband has only seen me cry a few times in my life. He knows that's how I am and we're both OK with that. Some days I cry a little. And some days I cry a little more. I know that eventually I won't cry so often.

The weirdest part of the grieving process for me is that sometimes I forget that she has passed away. I will pull out a shirt to wear and think "Mom would like me in this" and then I remember. I turn on Oprah and think "I wonder if Mom and Dad are watching Oprah too." Bam. I am reading a book she was reading right now. I wonder how far she got in her book. I wish I could talk to her about the Barbara Walter's book. I forget and remember so many times a day.

I told my sister today that it feels like I am swimming with cement boots on. I have to swim to stay alive but I am not going anywhere. So many of you have asked how I am doing. This is how I am doing. I have trouble verbalizing it and you know I don't want to cry in front of you or anyone else. I am here and I am just getting through it. As Dory told Nemo in Finding Nemo, I am going to "just keep swimming."