I have received a little flak because I haven't written much lately. I know it is all in good fun. But I'd like to explain what is going on. You should see all of the other stuff I am not getting to in my real life. I have tried to write some lighter posts but I just can't get into them let alone publish them.
I've tried to stay away from anything too sad and depressing here. I want people to want to stop by and feel better when they leave my blog. I don't want you to hate coming because you know it will be such a downer that you can't stand to come anymore. But, if you know anything about Indy, you will say that I am an honest person and writer. What you see on my blog is what you get. Unless it will interfere with someone's life (or my husband will throw a fit), I will be honest as I can be about it.
So I haven't written in the past few weeks because I can't make myself do much of anything. And I am OK with that. I know it is normal and I am going through the grieving process. I am just taking each day and doing what needs to be done. Whether that's new boots for Ryan for school, clean underwear for me or food for the dog, I am just doing what I have to do. I try not to worry about everything else on my list and just take care of what I have to do. What I can do.
I cry. I cry a lot. It's normal and that's what I am going to do. I cry alone. My husband has only seen me cry a few times in my life. He knows that's how I am and we're both OK with that. Some days I cry a little. And some days I cry a little more. I know that eventually I won't cry so often.
The weirdest part of the grieving process for me is that sometimes I forget that she has passed away. I will pull out a shirt to wear and think "Mom would like me in this" and then I remember. I turn on Oprah and think "I wonder if Mom and Dad are watching Oprah too." Bam. I am reading a book she was reading right now. I wonder how far she got in her book. I wish I could talk to her about the Barbara Walter's book. I forget and remember so many times a day.
I told my sister today that it feels like I am swimming with cement boots on. I have to swim to stay alive but I am not going anywhere. So many of you have asked how I am doing. This is how I am doing. I have trouble verbalizing it and you know I don't want to cry in front of you or anyone else. I am here and I am just getting through it. As Dory told Nemo in Finding Nemo, I am going to "just keep swimming."
The Open Road
4 years ago