Monday, January 12, 2009

Cement Boots

I have received a little flak because I haven't written much lately. I know it is all in good fun. But I'd like to explain what is going on. You should see all of the other stuff I am not getting to in my real life. I have tried to write some lighter posts but I just can't get into them let alone publish them.

I've tried to stay away from anything too sad and depressing here. I want people to want to stop by and feel better when they leave my blog. I don't want you to hate coming because you know it will be such a downer that you can't stand to come anymore. But, if you know anything about Indy, you will say that I am an honest person and writer. What you see on my blog is what you get. Unless it will interfere with someone's life (or my husband will throw a fit), I will be honest as I can be about it.

So I haven't written in the past few weeks because I can't make myself do much of anything. And I am OK with that. I know it is normal and I am going through the grieving process. I am just taking each day and doing what needs to be done. Whether that's new boots for Ryan for school, clean underwear for me or food for the dog, I am just doing what I have to do. I try not to worry about everything else on my list and just take care of what I have to do. What I can do.

I cry. I cry a lot. It's normal and that's what I am going to do. I cry alone. My husband has only seen me cry a few times in my life. He knows that's how I am and we're both OK with that. Some days I cry a little. And some days I cry a little more. I know that eventually I won't cry so often.

The weirdest part of the grieving process for me is that sometimes I forget that she has passed away. I will pull out a shirt to wear and think "Mom would like me in this" and then I remember. I turn on Oprah and think "I wonder if Mom and Dad are watching Oprah too." Bam. I am reading a book she was reading right now. I wonder how far she got in her book. I wish I could talk to her about the Barbara Walter's book. I forget and remember so many times a day.

I told my sister today that it feels like I am swimming with cement boots on. I have to swim to stay alive but I am not going anywhere. So many of you have asked how I am doing. This is how I am doing. I have trouble verbalizing it and you know I don't want to cry in front of you or anyone else. I am here and I am just getting through it. As Dory told Nemo in Finding Nemo, I am going to "just keep swimming."


19 comments:

R.L.Scovens said...

I am SO sorry for your loss. I pray that God gives you peace and the strength you need to get through this tough time.

Jessica said...

You're still swimming & that's the most important part! This is your place, Indy! Let it all out! We're all hear to "listen" to what you have to say...and what you're feeling & we won't get depressed about it. We'll just support.

Stephanie said...

Dont ever worry about us not coming back to your blog! We are here for you and keep coming back to read..whether it be sad or happy. Thats what we are here for!
I hope you have happy days coming really soon.

Anonymous said...

Indy, We will cut you all the slack you need -- and never give you flak for not writing. Indy, you take all the time you need. A very difficult time of year to boot...All our love!

Indy said...

Oops. Thanks for catching the slack and flack. :)

Indy said...

Slack and flak. Man I need to get some sleep.

OHmommy said...

Oh, Indy.

First off. Stop reading and commenting on my blog. Because in truth, the writing keeps me busy, and right now I feel like I have cement toe boots going through the mundane everyday tasks of a SAHM. But, I would never write that. But. Maybe I should.

Anyways, know that I pray for you every stinking night. I do.

Stephanie said...

Keep on swimming, great analogy! You're an amazing woman!

enthalpymama said...

We're here for you. On line and in real life too. We do pray for you. If we had the slightest clue what else to do, we'd do that too.

Anonymous said...

Indy, hanks for being "real" as always...it is appreciated.

Through this experience of mom passing away and listening to the advice of friends I have learned a few life lessons that I would like to share.

As a counselor and someone who is in the helping profession...I thought it might help to share my perspective for others when dealing with loss in their life or someone else's.

1.) Please acknowledge the loss...it is way worse to have people pretend that it didn't happen (I am speaking from experience...when I came back to work only a couple people said anything!)

2.)Also acknowledge that it's hard to truly understand how it feels "to swim with cement boots on" unless you have experienced a significant loss such as this.

3.) It SUCKS...there is no other way to put it and it's okay for other people to say "it sucks" too (my sister received a card that said this and it summed it up totallly!)

4.) Although it is "over" in others eyes...because the funeral and weeks have now passed...it will never be "over" in the eyes of loved ones.

5.) (...to quote a collegue) "Life will pull you along; ready or not"...Life goes on...even when you don't want it to. But you can help by doing little things (cooking food, watching the kids, sending a card, etc...), we learned how appreciated this can be.

6.) Each day really doesn't get any easier...you just learn to learn to live with it. So please don't say "each day will get easier," it really doesn't.

7.) As my friend Mar told me "sometimes bad is just bad" and there is no positive side...You wouldn't believe how good that was to hear...because it was the truth and totally reaffirmed my feelings.

Okay...my commments are getting way too long here...Anyway I hope this is helpful. ~Aldee

Anonymous said...

Hi - came to see how you were doing - cause I was feeling sad and depressing too. Will have to make a quick run to the car so no one at work knows I cried when I read your post. Although it wasn't my mom - I still have some of the feelings that you are going through and just needed to make sure I wasn't alone. It's amazing how your friends and family keep you going - show up at your doorstep with food, shovel your driveway - or just say something to keep you going. Thinking about you and hoping the cement becomes a little lighter. LHM

Anonymous said...

Indy,
You and your family have done so well through the loss of your mom-continuing to be honest with yourselves and each other. There's no rule book for grieving; we all figure it out in our own messy way. "Success" is how you choose to define it, and I think just getting through the day right now is pretty darn good. It's human to have our lives reflect the full range of emotions, and I think blogging should reflect life. Take care, Aldee's Friend Mary

Anonymous said...

You are a strong woman! You're taking care of yourself and your family, on top of grieving the loss of your mom. Keep your positive attitude :o)

Anonymous said...

I relay the following message not so much to be reassuring as much as to make a simple observation about this condition to which we have been thrust inexplicably:

Who ever said it, you are right that the "hurt" that "we survivors" experience will never go away, perhaps only be muted over time; however, if we are to believe in a higher being, the only consolation we can take is that "Mom" is definitely in a better place "for her" and that she will guide our actions down here on Earth.

Also, since "everything happens for a reason", we can take comfort in a higher logic to this situation -- not a good feeling, just a feeling of deferring to our Maker about some greater "reason" why this happened.

In any event, I remain a firm believer in our "right" to continue to mourn Mom and certainly remember her always, forever, and indefinitely!

Love and peace...

Anonymous said...

Oh Indy you will have your good days and you will have your bad days...let yourself have both. I still get sad when friends talk about Mother's Day presents or when I see moms and daughters shopping together. You will have your triggers so watch out! The other day I even thought about calling my mom and she's been gone almost nine years. I truly miss that mother/daughter relationship. Sometimes I catch some of my mom in my kids which is comforting but it's not the same.
pfo

Krystyn said...

Just keep swimming...it's hard to remember, but really a good motto.

I hope, that when the time is right, you find the peace that you need.

McMommy said...

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

(Love that little Dori.)

There are alot of us out in this big sea that care about you. xoxo

Flea said...

Keep on swimming. Just don't be afraid to stop swimming for a bit and let others keep you afloat, 'k?

Im2Sexy4MyVan said...

You have such wonderful comments from such wonderful friends. I have nothing profound to offer.....just hugs and hugs and maybe some kleenex. sorry sweetie

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