I sat listening to her daughter and then her minister. I heard what she stood for and what was important to her during her life. My thoughts drifted. I first thought of losing my mom only four months ago. And then tears began to fall. They wouldn't stop. My thoughts wouldn't stop either.
Almost twenty-four hours since I sat at the funeral and the voice I keep hearing in my head is "What will you be remembered for? What do I stand for? Will any of this matter? What matters?"
I don't know. What does matter? Isn't this the question we all wrestle with at some point? I used to think my old work mattered. I don't hear much from my past students so I have to wonder. I was so young in my previous profession. I was green and inexperienced. I am not sure I was very good at it.
Now, in my new profession, I matter a great deal to two little boys. What will they learn from me and what is important that they learn from me? What will they forget? What will last? What will be my legacy?
When I was younger and visiting a retirement home, I used to feel sorry for the people that lived there. I didn't understand that they were the lucky ones that lived a long life. Now when I visit, I can see that they have lived long lives and have lost so many people. They have had to make new friends and many have found new life companions. I can't even imagine what they have seen and lived through.
I still feel green but in the last year, I am starting to mature. When I was in my twenties, I remember wedding after wedding. And then, baby shower after baby shower. In the past year, my friends and I have started down a new path. It is one that I somehow never saw coming. Not at this age! But, it is one that is teaching me so much about my life and how I want to live it. I am lucky to have friends with me on this path. I couldn't do it alone. I wouldn't want to. And through these friendships, I have found strength to figure out my way, find my own voice and continue on my path.
The Open Road
4 years ago