Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Voices in my Head

I sat listening to her daughter and then her minister. I heard what she stood for and what was important to her during her life. My thoughts drifted. I first thought of losing my mom only four months ago. And then tears began to fall. They wouldn't stop. My thoughts wouldn't stop either.

Almost twenty-four hours since I sat at the funeral and the voice I keep hearing in my head is "What will you be remembered for? What do I stand for? Will any of this matter? What matters?"

I don't know. What does matter? Isn't this the question we all wrestle with at some point? I used to think my old work mattered. I don't hear much from my past students so I have to wonder. I was so young in my previous profession. I was green and inexperienced. I am not sure I was very good at it.

Now, in my new profession, I matter a great deal to two little boys. What will they learn from me and what is important that they learn from me? What will they forget? What will last? What will be my legacy?

When I was younger and visiting a retirement home, I used to feel sorry for the people that lived there. I didn't understand that they were the lucky ones that lived a long life. Now when I visit, I can see that they have lived long lives and have lost so many people. They have had to make new friends and many have found new life companions. I can't even imagine what they have seen and lived through.

I still feel green but in the last year, I am starting to mature. When I was in my twenties, I remember wedding after wedding. And then, baby shower after baby shower. In the past year, my friends and I have started down a new path. It is one that I somehow never saw coming. Not at this age! But, it is one that is teaching me so much about my life and how I want to live it. I am lucky to have friends with me on this path. I couldn't do it alone. I wouldn't want to. And through these friendships, I have found strength to figure out my way, find my own voice and continue on my path.


OHmommy said...

I think we all wonder the same thing about our own paths. Today was a sad day where I thought long and hard about my own path as a mother. Thanks Indy.

Jessica said...

I love this post! I am such a thinker like this! I really am. I have thought about these things're not alone.q

Kel said...

Funny how life works - we barrel along all full of life and then one day, we wake up and realize life is not endless but quickly slipping away.

Endless fleeting moments, we must remember to make the most of...

Laura said...

For days this is what I have been thinking. What do I want to be remembered for? How do I want to live my life. What kind of legacy do I want to leave. I have also thought the more practical - I need to sit down with my dad and find out about his life before it is too late, find out his wishes and wants, and write down my own wishes and wants to make it easier on my children should something happen to me. I also thought: birthday parties and baby showers - we need to have more of those.

amy said...

This has been the year of funerals. Everytime I have been to one the same thoughts go through my mind, the same as yours, what will I be remembered for, who will remember me besides my husband and children, will people laugh and share the happiness that I have had as well as the sorrow.
It always amazes me the things you learn about the person being remembered. The laughter, the tears. All of it.
The paths we take through our lives changes and at no given warning that there will be a change. Sometimes it is a wonderful change and others, well you know, they suck.
Here's to the questions that may never be answered but will help us grow as an individual and a mom,wife, person.

MIT Mommy said...

Oh, Indy. I am only reading this now. I think we said everything in the car on the way to the funeral and back - but I have to thank you again for sitting next to me in this life.

I should have linked to you and told everyone there was a reason for the lack of words with my pictures on Wednesday. I SO needed flowers to come out of that snow.

I felt like the blinding snowstorm on the way to the funeral was God's way of telling us all He lost another beautiful voice on earth - fortunately that voice will carry on in so many who follow behind her.

Thanks for writing.

MommyWizdom said...

Indy, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom two years ago and the thought of her still fills my eyes with tears.

I have had these similar thoughts too. I am trying to be the best mom I can. To teach my children things they will need to know when I am gone. I read once that when an old person dies, it's like losing a library. Their lives are full of mysteries we'll never know.

Thanks for a beautiful post.

My prayers are with you.


Im2Sexy4MyVan said...

Whoa - powerful post.
I have also been thinking these things. Glad you said/wrote them out loud.

These thoughts were a big reason I wanted to have a big blowout birthday party bash. Wanted to surround myself with my friends -- in happy times as well as sad ones.

Please count me in your circle of friends to get through these milestones and hard times. I want to be sitting next to you every step of the way!!!

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