I was born with the whitest, smallest eyelashes. I am blonde thanks to Aveda but was born blonde thanks to my ancestors. No matter how much mascara I put on my eyes, they are still tiny and barely visible. Today, I spent time today staring at the most beautiful eyelashes and eyes. My friend Julie's son came for a visit this weekend with his dad and sister. At her eulogy, her pastor said that Julie once said she watched her son sleep for over a half an hour and never knew she could love someone so much. As I looked at his eyes today, I could only imagine the love she felt knowing her days were limited.
This weekend was harder than I expected. I knew that I would think of her often but I had no idea that I would feel so guilty. I just don't think it is fair that I am with her children and she cannot be here. I tucked them into bed tonight and nearly lost it. I hope she was watching from Heaven because I did it with every bit of love that I know she would have wanted to do.
Have you heard of survivor guilt? I have never felt it before but today, I knew exactly what it was. Julie and I were pregnant at the same time. We went to the hospital around the same time. Ryan was born a day before Julie's son. We were so different but so much alike. I promised myself to never write another post that made me cry about Julie. But tonight as her children sleep under my roof, I cannot ignore it. Julie, your children are so much like you and have so much love to share. I know that you have layed such a strong foundation for them and that they radiate the love you gave.
At the end of the long day day, it can so easy to rush the bedtime routine. They always need another drink, a quick trip to the restroom, their covers aren't right, they forgot their favorite stuffed animal downstairs... the list is endless. So many days I want to yell "I am off duty boys!" And there are days that I do. But, tonight, I spent a little more time covering them up, looking at them and saying a little prayer. Julie, your children are beautiful and I am so blessed to be able to tuck them in. So beautiful.