Saturday, November 15, 2008

Beautiful Eyelashes

I was born with the whitest, smallest eyelashes. I am blonde thanks to Aveda but was born blonde thanks to my ancestors. No matter how much mascara I put on my eyes, they are still tiny and barely visible. Today, I spent time today staring at the most beautiful eyelashes and eyes. My friend Julie's son came for a visit this weekend with his dad and sister. At her eulogy, her pastor said that Julie once said she watched her son sleep for over a half an hour and never knew she could love someone so much. As I looked at his eyes today, I could only imagine the love she felt knowing her days were limited.

This weekend was harder than I expected. I knew that I would think of her often but I had no idea that I would feel so guilty. I just don't think it is fair that I am with her children and she cannot be here. I tucked them into bed tonight and nearly lost it. I hope she was watching from Heaven because I did it with every bit of love that I know she would have wanted to do.

Have you heard of survivor guilt? I have never felt it before but today, I knew exactly what it was. Julie and I were pregnant at the same time. We went to the hospital around the same time. Ryan was born a day before Julie's son. We were so different but so much alike. I promised myself to never write another post that made me cry about Julie. But tonight as her children sleep under my roof, I cannot ignore it. Julie, your children are so much like you and have so much love to share. I know that you have layed such a strong foundation for them and that they radiate the love you gave.

At the end of the long day day, it can so easy to rush the bedtime routine. They always need another drink, a quick trip to the restroom, their covers aren't right, they forgot their favorite stuffed animal downstairs... the list is endless. So many days I want to yell "I am off duty boys!" And there are days that I do. But, tonight, I spent a little more time covering them up, looking at them and saying a little prayer. Julie, your children are beautiful and I am so blessed to be able to tuck them in. So beautiful.


Krystyn said...

What beautiful words! Really and truly!

It's very special that you are able to enjoy your friends' family...and I'm sure you are right that she is looking down...and smiling.

OHmommy said...

I know.

We should all re-think things.

I threw Fifi into bed w/us last night and cuddled her to death while the husband looked on pissed off that she was allowed to sleep in our bed.

It's just way too short. Life.

Rhea said...

Oh, Indy, I'm so sorry about Julie. It must have been so hard this weekend.

I keep trying to remind myself that I need to appreciate everything, not freak out over small stuff and focus on the big picture...why is it so hard to keep remembering that though?! I hate that it takes the death of a loved one to drive it home. :o(

BTW, I have no eyelashes either. Or eyebrows.

Rhea said...

And thanks for stopping by UpTake to leave a comment, I really appreciate it.

Jessica said...

That was beautiful -- so much meaning behind it! I'm so sorry that you've lost your friend, but I think you're truly blessed to be able to recognize how precious life is, and how you should enjoy your family as much as you can.

Clare said...

what a beautiful post indy!! julie was definitely watching over you, and you are a great friend!

Stephanie said...

God often leaves us to carry the torch of someone we love. You can be someone that tells her children about her some day. Remember that even though we don't always know how or why, we're put into people's lives for a reason. Take care and thanks for the reminder to appreciate EVERYTHING we have.

Anonymous said...

Wow! My heart aches for you and her children, but Julie and her kids are both so blessed to have you there for them. Julie is defintely watching and smiling. You're such an amazing person! ~ KP

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post - your friend was lucky to have a friend like you. I enjoy reading what you have to say, it is so down to earth and real. Keep smiling, and love the pictures. LM

MsMommy said...

Oh, I know what you mean. I lost a friend in a car wreck on Super Bowl Sunday this year. Her children are 10, 5, and at the time, the baby was 8 months. For a mother such as her, the kind of mother whom I could only aspire to be and never quite get there, to be ripped from this life is one of the most cruel, incomprehendable things I have ever experienced. And when her oldest comes over to play or stay the night, I have to hold back from just wanting to hover and love on her. She's a part of Stacy that we treasure. Life is so fragile and can turn on a dime. Great post.

Jennifer said...

okay. now i'm crying.

you are right. we never know what can happen and we should cherish every single moment... but that being said... we are all mommy's and we sometimes get burnt out and call it quits at the bedtime dramas.

i'm so glad that you are there for julie's husband and children... they are just as lucky to have you as you are to have them.

i felt this way with my nephew after my SIL passed away. and to be honest sometimes i feel that way b/c my kids have both parents and my other neices and nephews have both parents, but he doesn't. not that i wish bad to anyone... i just wish his mom was still here for him.

i couldn't imagine my life without my mom, i just can't even think about it... i will loose it right now... so to loose your mom at 2 1/2 yo, wow... it just breaks my heart.

anyway... enough sad talk.

you are an amazing friend.

LOTS of love and hugs!!

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