Sunday, December 13, 2009

Just Breathe

I never used my Lamaze classes when I had my babies. But, I have gotten my money's worth out of the classes. I use the deep breathing to get through tough moments. This past month, I have used this technique for certain Christmas songs, memories and thoughts that remind me of my mom. It has been a year since she passed away.

I have thought a lot over the year as to how this post would shape up. I thought I would know exactly how to write it. But, certain thoughts are too personal for the world to read. Some thoughts are too personal to even admit to yourself.

So, instead of trying to weep through this, I am going to just throw out some thoughts.

Where did the year go?
I keep expecting my mom to call.
Some days, I think that she is just sick and I will see her soon.
I don't feel her around me like I would have imagined that I would.
I cry very hard every time I hear of someone's mom passing away.
I am jealous of mothers and daughters shopping or eating in a restaurant. It breaks my heart.
I remember my mom missing her mom and crying. I feel bad for judging her.
I am so glad that I forgave my mother a few years ago. She was the best mom she could be.
I wish my mom had better self esteem. I wish she would have had more friends.
Whenever I am sick or my kids have a medical issue, I almost pick up the phone to ask for her help. She was a nurse. I miss her advice.
When I play "Patty Cake" with Elle, I can hear my mom in my voice.
I wish I had more of her recipes.
I don't want my kids to forget her.
I wish Elle knew her.
I hate seeing my Dad sad.
I miss my mom.

A friend of mine lost her mother a few weeks ago. She asked me how to get through it. You just do. There is no magical way. We both agreed that you always hear that life is short, blah, blah, blah. You don't understand how powerful the words are until it is too late. I get it. As horrible as it is to have lost my mom, I am grateful for the chance to fully grasp the "life is too short" concept. I linger with my dad, I call my sisters more often and I say yes to family outings just in case it is my last chance. And I breathe in as much as I can of those around me and try to create memories in my mind.

So tomorrow, as I reach the one year anniversary of my mom's death, I will do a lot of breathing. I am sure there will be tears on my way home to Alliance. And I know there will be lots of lingering at the dinner table with my kids, dad, sisters and nieces and nephew. Breathe in. Breathe out. Just breathe.

I'm Not Talking About It, I'm Just Saying...