Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Long But Not Long Enough Goodbye

Dear Julie,

When I got the call, I didn't even cry. I have been crying for the past three months so much that I am pretty shocked that I didn't break down when I heard. But, I saw you last week. You looked so tired. So ready to go. I knew it would only be days. So when I got the call tonight, I didn't even have time to sit down. The kids were running around chasing each other with a weapon of some sort. The alarm on the stove was going off, the kids were screaming and I was trying to get details from my husband about your passing. Instead of my own pain, I just wondered how Joe was handling it and who had to call for the ambulance. Is that how it works? I have no idea.

We had big plans. We were going to go on a vacation again together. All of us. I am not sure if you knew it. My husband and I always talked how some summer, all of us from law school would rent a house in South Carolina on the beach. We'd put the kids down to bed and spend the nights talking and drinking wine. Maybe in a couple of years. Who knew we didn't have that long.

It has been a long goodbye. But the end was so quick. I thought there would be more off a battle but pancreatic cancer doesn't provide time for that. It has only been three months since you were diagnosed. I knew it would be a near impossible to beat pancreatic cancer. But, I thought we'd have more time.

Each night, we talk about you and your struggle. And each night my husband eventually falls asleep. I would lay there and pray for you and begged God to help you through this struggle. Last night I prayed for your family as they gathered around you to say goodbye. I never understood why the term "broken heart" came about until last night. As my husband slept beside me, I cried so hard that my heart hurt. I just couldn't believe you were leaving.

Dear friend, I hope they have a glass of Cabernet ready for you up in Heaven. You are free from pain now. This weekend we will celebrate your life. This will be one of the hardest weekends of my life. How do you say goodbye? I have no idea. But, I promise to gather around Joe, Robert and Suzy and shower them with our love and support. You were an incredible person with the best smile. I will never forget your laughter. You always made me smile and laugh.

We love you and we will never forget you my dear friend,

Indy

17 comments:

Krystyn said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Know that I will be thinking of you and her family during this time.

I hope that the celebration of her life is a very joyous occasion this weekend (although quiet tear-filled, I'm sure).

It is a blessing she is no longer in pain.

Kathryn said...

A beautiful tribute letter for your dear friend.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Crystal D said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope you have peace soon.

Someone Being Me said...

What a beautiful post. I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

OHmommy said...

Oh, Indy. I am so very sorry.

Gosh. I don't know what to say now except for hold onto those we love deeply. Tightly. Forever as long as we can.

And it has been way toooooooo long since I have sat next to you alone. Let's do lunch. Next week. Alone. Let Emama take Fifi....

please?

Clare said...

dear indy,

i am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend julie. i cannot imagine the pain that your family and her family is going through. i will be thinking and praying for all of you! hold your family close to you as you go through all of this, it will help!

Stephanie said...

What a beautiful letter.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Jessica said...

May all of your memories be a blessing...

Anonymous said...

I am truly so very sorry, Indy. My eyes are filled with tears and my heart breaks for you, your hubby and your friends family. Pour your love into her family this weekend. ~KP

Jessica Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure this weekend will be difficult for you. My prayers are with you.

LaskiGal said...

I'm so sorry . . . there are really no words when someone you love is lost. No words . . .

This was a moving tribute to your dear friend.

I'll be thinking of you . . .

Anonymous said...

Indy,

Thank you for penning such a touching piece that will leave a lasting impression on me!

Your gift of language and writing reveal a very real and touching tribute to a woman who will be sorely missed! Indy, your sensitivity show through in this piece. Your blog is a lesson for all of us in loss and appreciation of those so special in our lives -- those we need to hug and love more than we already do.

And you have mentioned "funk" -- a good word as well. Unfortunately, "funk" has found its way into nearly all of our lives as of late, primarily due to these very challenging times, but I also believe that it will be "funk" that will lead us to appreciate what life is all about -- the simple things, like the beauty and preciousness of Life itself!

Hang in there -- and hug that husband and wonderful kids of yours! They're precious, and you're precious, too!

Anonymous

Anonymous said...

1Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

2In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

4And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.

5Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?

6Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Stephanie said...

I'll be praying for you and your friends family during this. The devil seems to be getting to so many these days...just in the last 3 or 4 months, two very special men at my church were diagnosed with cancer...one with stage 4 lung cancer and the other with a fatal brain tumor who has MAYBE 15 months to live. All I can say is we can't let him win. We must continue to pray and not allow our hearts to turn cold toward God for allowing these things to happen. It's hard. I'm struggling every day to keep my head above water with all the sadness. I'm also trying hard to use this as an opportunity to enjoy every moment and aspect of my life. We simply don't know when we'll be next or even someone we love. Hang in there. Pray endlessly for strength and wisdom as will I.

enthalpymama said...

Of course I'll take Fifi. Thanks for giving me something useful to say. I was hoping to think of something useful.

Rhea said...

Keep her in your heart and your memory forever. I can't imagine how hard this must be for everyone right now. :o(

Genny said...

Indy,

I didn't know your friend had passed away...I am so, so sorry. (I got your comment and came over here to catch up...I didn't think it could be the same friend who was just diagnosed.)

This was a beautiful post, and I'm sure your visits and calls to her meant more than you'll ever know. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your friend. How precious life is.

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