Not Prepared

People miscarry all of the time. Most people are pregnant, miscarry and don't know it. No big deal.

Oh so I thought.

I went to the OB-Gyn today. Man, I was sad. I am supposed to be pregnant. I should be listening to the heartbeat of my baby. I should be naming my baby. But instead, we had to talk about an ultrasound for tissue that is not a baby. I am bleeding and it should have stopped. This just isn't right. I could barely keep it together as I walked to my car. I am supposed to be pregnant. I am not.

As I sat in my car and cried I realized that I am so glad that this happened to me. Well, glad is the wrong word. I don't know what the right word it. Anyway, I thought I understood a miscarriage. I really thought I knew what people were going through. You lose a baby and then you try again. I have two kids. No biggie. I am expected to try again. All I know is that I will be a better friend to people that have lost their baby. I will be a better mom. I will be a better grandmother. What I understand cannot be put into words. It is something I feel.

I went to the grocery story right after my D & C. No biggie. But really, it was awful. I am not emotional. My husband has not seen my cry since I have lost this baby. I cried the first day, the entire day and did not stop. He was gone all day for business and I needed to be alone. I thought I was fine and over the miscarriage but I could barely make myself walk past the diapers for the toddler wipes I needed down the aisle. I then needed a price check on an item. I could barely make myself walk down the aisle twice. This happens to emotional women, not strong women like me. I can't believe I am breaking down at Giant Eagle.

I had to go to a bridal shower right after I lost the baby. "Congratulations" shouted an aunt over the loud roar of the women. She had just heard that I was pregnant. "I lost the baby." I tried to explain as best as I could. She was confused and so was I. "I lost the baby." I tried to make her feel better. She felt awkward about her congratulations. I felt funny and tried to make her feel better. There is no right way to end this conversation. We all felt awkward.

It is life and people lose babies all of the time. I know that. But, I am also trying to make sure I experience all of the feelings that are natural for a miscarriage. It is just hard when you feel like you are all good and then BAM! you are smacked with feelings that you are not ready for. You didn't plan to be smacked with sadness mid-day. You were done mourning. And then your little guy asks if there will be another Ted. We'll see. We'll see. I'm just trying to figure it all out.